saved by the rev of a motorbike
Death, loss, and the grieving experience
I stood at the bus stop waiting impatiently. There were few remaining classes of my grad school experience and everything felt like mere formalities. The high rerrr rerrrr rrrrrrrev of a motorbike turning onto 400 N perked my ears up and I turned to acknowledge the person riding by me. Bouncing on my feet and grinning foolishly, I waved giddily as if that unknown to me human was actually my best friend. They kindly smiled, waved back, and carried on.
A year and half before that fateful day, Holly died—my second Monday into grad school—and I was devasted. Never had I felt so alone in the world. Knowing grad school would be the perfect distraction from the heartache and empty hole in my morning routine didn’t soothe the ache as I had hoped or intended for it to. Teaching the 7:30am ballet classes as part of my TA schedule became a drudgery. Yet, I threw my heart into the assignment.
Soon, I began to notice a motorbike’s loud engine passing by my window directly after my alarm went off. This rider continued to ride to work? school? every morning even despite winter’s bitter early morning chill when that arrived. Each time I heard the same whining rev I thought, “if they can, then so can I.” And so I did. This motorbike and I kept our daily rhythm in sync, them completely unaware of my gratitude for their consistency and reliability and me desperately clinging to a new morning pattern to hold me together.
“Be a rainbow in someone else’s cloud.”
So when the opportunity to greet the person responsible for getting me through those agonizing, tender first days weeks months missing my sweet Holly girl finally appeared, I couldn’t contain my excitement. I didn’t even feel awkward. My gratitude spilling over didn’t seem out of place. Although I do still wonder if that person ever questioned why some random stranger was so excited to see them. Hahahaha! In between those dates—August 28, 2017 and April 21ish, 2019—I met new friends, learned cool things, and updated my way of existing in the world. Oh, and I eloped! So Holly passed on her guardian angel status but that’s a tale for another day.
Why am I sharing this with you now? Well, it’s funny you ask because I had a complete adventure tale typed up and ready to go. However, this story has been nagging at me. In honor of Mental Health Awareness month I finally decided it’s the right time to release this one into the world. Not only that but as the stars come out and I feel a bit dreamy about my life, I wonder if I’ve ever saved somebody like that motorbike rider saved me. You never know when you just may be the rainbow to show up in someone’s cloudy day just by showing up as yourself.
Indeed